scaredy-cat.

It's Day 17, you guys!  I've passed the halfway point!  Bam!  Exclamation marks!

Today, the topic is "things that make you scared".  I'm unsure as to the level of scaredy-cat-ness that this is referring too, so I'm just going to list a random selection of things that I am, to varying degrees, scared of.  Because I am terrified of everything.

1. Grating my fingers.  I have never had a bad experience with a grater however I constantly think about grating my fingernails off, and then the rest of my fingers (as if I wouldn't immediately stop).  UGHHHHHHH thinking about it makes my fingers tingle.

2. Other people being up high.  I'm not that pumped about heights myself, however if I have to get up somewhere, I will.  But the second you make me watch someone else doing something at a height (basically ALL THE TIME at my old job at the canyon swing), my heart is in my throat and I'm all about ready to heave it out, in sheer panic.  Once I had to paint the railing around the balcony at the swing site.  I did the inside, and Rob, who I worked with, hooked himself up to hang off the roof and kind of abseil down so he could do the outside (hanging over a cliff-face.  Not exaggerating.).  I spent the entire time refusing to look at him because it made me so nervous.

highest of the high up places a.k.a my old workplace.

3. Being forever alone.  Right now I'm happy being alone, but the forever part is terrifying because what if all the boys hate me forever and then I am a spinster and have to get loads of cats and hey I love cats don't worry everybody it's okay.

4. People dying.  Specifically my family.  I mean, obviously I am upset when anyone I know dies, or anyone who is important to someone who is important to me dies, and so on and so forth, however I am very, very scared of anyone in my family dying.  What the hell are you meant to do about that?  This has happened to people that I know and I am every day astounded that they haven't just dropped dead themselves (you know what I mean) out of an actual inability to cope.  I know some bloody amazing people.  I am scared that I am not like that.

5. Walking around outside in the dark.  Particularly downhill.  I hate not knowing where I'm stepping and permanently convinced I'll take a wrong step in the dark and do the splits and skid down a hill.  I am scared of that, so I take the tiniest steps possible and will feel around until I'm sure I have a decent footing, therefore cementing my place in everyone's lives as the slowest walker they have ever known.

6. My money situation.  My no money situation.

7. Pregnancy.  Where would I put a baby?  Also, how did I get pregnant?  (see fear #3)

8. People sneaking up on me.  I quite easily get into a "zone".  If I am working, I am in that zone.  If I am reading, I am in a reading zone.  If I am internerding...  you get the idea.  I will actually open a book and be in the zone immediately, which makes it incredibly easy for anyone to give me a fright.  Like a 'shit the bed' kind of  fright.  Hours of fun for everyone else.  You guys all suck.

So, there's some cool fears for you to think about.  Maybe if you weren't afraid of these before, you are now?  Join the club, my friend.  Join the club.  Hey guys!  Any decision we make could totally ruin our lives!  Have a fun day! 

toot.

I really love my great face.  This is why
I have so many boyfriends.  Obvs.

Today is Day 16 and I have to (yeah someone is definitely forcing me to do this) write about three things that I like about my personality.  I'm not going to lie, I'm struggling with this.  Not in a pity party way, more in a it's not really a kiwi thing to get out there and toot your own horn way.  And the more I think about it, the more I realise that the things I like about myself are sometimes the things that I'm not that keen on, at the same time. Ah, the complications of being human.  Particularly of a female variety, I think.  

So.  Three things.

ONE: I'm good at doing things for the lolz.  I like laughing, I like making other people laugh and I like making potentially shit situations funny.  I'm a pretty firm believer in the phrase "if you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell".  Oh you bet I'll laugh like hell.  And I'll make sure I laugh doubly loud to make it even more funny.  I like that being able to crack some lolz is an easy way to break the ice and get people talking, and I'm (often) able to do it.  Cool as, you gaaaiiz.  

TWO: I'm beginning to believe in my ability to change shit that I don't like.  This is something that I've only learned recently, and I'm not always successful but I'm getting better.  I'm learning to recognise that a lot of the things that I whinge about (and as a girl, I'm a born whinger) are things that I can change, and learning to actively take steps to change them.  Feel like I'm getting dumber in my old age?  Back to uni I go.  Feeling like a fat lump?  Hello diet/exercise changes.  Need to meet new people?  Start saying yes to invitations.  Booyah.  Life is on the up and up, bishes.

THREE: I'm a good listener.  I don't know what it is, but people tell me shit.  Shit that makes them go "jaysus I don't know why I just spilled that to you, I haven't told anyone about that".  As in, I've had several people make remarks to that effect when talking to me.  I'm not really one for dishing out unsolicited advice, but if you ask me, I'll do my best to tell it to you straight.  While I can't sort out my own life, baby you best believe I know exactly what you should be doing with yours.  But if advice is not what you seek, you can just vent at my face and I'll make active listening noises and nothing else.  Word.

I love me!  Yeah baby!  I'm the bomb!  Self-esteem!  Because you're worth it!  L'Oreal!  Wait, what?

bomb.

The Best Things That Happened This Week, you ask? So this week has kind of been a bit of a non-event, to be honest.  Fast forward a week and I'll have had a grand old time, as my super great pal Anna is coming to visit!  But anyway.

Best things:

- I went to geek club.  I managed to keep away from the pizza and only had one cider because I have bomb as will power, swooned over Tim Lambourne and listened to articulate, interesting banter between him and Zane Scarborough.  There is pretty much nothing more awesome than an attractive man who can intelligently debate a topic.  

- Following on from that, I googled Zane Scarborough when I got home and found out that he is a poet.  Who is a freaking poet these days?  Only Zane Scarborough, because he's the bizzomb.  Cue an evening of watching his youtube videos and crying, every time.  So, so good. 

- I bought these shoes and they are the bomb.

- I went to Best Ugly and ate the fucking BOMB AS bagel.

- I tried Gingerella ginger beer and it was the bomb diggity.  Since discovering that ginger beer is not the same as ginger ale (in December last year.  I found this out when I was TWENTY SEVEN.  For 27 years I assumed ginger beer was gross because ginger ale is.  I missed out for so long!) I have become somewhat of a ginger beer connoisseur, if you will, and Gingerella shot right to the top of my list. 

- I started my one-woman crusade to bring the term "the bomb" back into everybody's lives.

gross.

How am I meant to catch a husband if I have to reveal all this personal information?  The only way to legitimately find a man is to lie, lie, lie and hide your real self until he's well and truly tied to you.  That's right, right?

So Day 14 is "something disgusting that you do".  I do all manner of disgusting things, however I'm probably not going to divulge any of these filthy habits online.  The internet is forever, you guys!

Probably the worst thing that I'm willing to spill is drinking warm/flat lemonade with no qualms.  Oh, and constantly scrutinising my skin and inspecting my face.  But every girl does that.  So, there's that.

worrisome.

Something I'm worried about.  I'm constantly worrying.  Right now I'm worried about the following:

• Uni.  I start back tomorrow and I've been out of the study game for a few years now.  I am certain that the older I get, the less intelligent I become and I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope with the two papers that I have this semester.  My first assignment is due in two weeks.  I'm shitting myself.
• My current obsession with Snak Logs coupled with how fat I currently am (fuck you, extra hungry winter stomach!) coupled with my piss-weak exercise attempts of late.  Twenty minutes of planks/squats/bicep curls daily are a poor defense against my severe lack of will power when it comes to sugary treats masquerading as muesli bars.  
• I need to clean my room.
• I need to make a decision as to whether I buy a car and stay in Auckland or not, and leave.
• As much as I am currently at peace with not being in a relationship, I do worry that it could be like this forever.  Not helped by the fact that I have two little brothers with what seem like quite serious girlfriends.  And the fact that my back up husband may be getting himself into a long term relationship which means that I'll need to find myself another one.

Yay memes!

It's a girl's prerogative to worry.  Rationally.  Irrationally.  All the dang time.

okay.

Me and my best ladies on my last night out in Auckland
before the big move back to Queenstown - July 2011.

Day two and she's back!  Straight into it: "How have you changed over the past two years?".  More like how haven't I changed.  I'm still spending about ALL of my time wondering what I could do next, where I could go, live, work and wondering if it'll all ever just "click".

In saying that, this time in 2011 I'd just moved back to Queenstown after attempting a real life grown up job in Auckland.  Over the past two years, just over one in QT and almost one back here in Auckland, I've realised that I'm okay.  

That it's okay that I'm 28 and it hasn't clicked yet.  

That it's okay that I'm 28 and single.  

That it's okay that I'm 28 and I don't know where I want to live.

That it's okay that I'm 28 and I'm not sure that my job is the job.

I've just got to do me.  And if doing me takes time, then time it'll take.

In these last two years I've had super long hair, that I cut really short, and then shorter again.  I started making decisions about my health and actually doing shit about it.  Real shit, like exercising and making better decisions (it ain't perfect but it's improving) about what I put into my body rather than just wishing I'd magically lose weight.  I've gained confidence from pushing myself out of my comfort zone.  I went on two dates with people I met online - something I attempted two years ago but failed miserably at.  I got a big ol' tattoo on my arm.

I've been emotional in all kinds of ways.  I think that must be an age thing.  I'm letting down my guard a little because I'm starting to care a little less about what people think and letting things in so I can feel real 'feels' is pretty okay.

I feel like, I've changed a bunch and I've not changed at all.  If this is how things carry on, I wouldn't be too upset.